Text and Illustration by Claytonian
Generally I like to find the hidden things in Japan, and in the coming months I intend to do a lot of that, but you can consider this post a public service announcement of a sort. The best way to be safe from the denizens of Japan's netherworld, known by many names including the "yokai" of the title, is never to encounter them in the first place. This is something that can be done if you follow a few simple rules of thumb.
Rule 1: Nature is dangerous! Keep away from rivers, swamps, seas, islands, and mountains.
It's not safe to go outside in Japan. Rivers, lakes and ponds are where the kappas live. Undead seafarers pollute the waters with their ghost ships. Every island and mountain is bound to have some resident monster. Cities used to be more or less safe, but in this modern age, the ghost girls rule urban venues as well. Trust me, the best place to stay is in your apartment. And don't answer your mobile phone.
Rule 2: Don't leave anything lying around.
In an animist society like Japan, everything has a spirit, even inanimate objects. If something gets old and neglected, it's going to 化ける (bakeru: change, often nuanced to mean "change into a monster")! The only way to be safe is to burn things you don't want anymore. Of course, they burn almost all garbage in Japan for this very reason.
I recommended taking dolls to your local shrine on the appropriate day and getting them burned by an expert who will add in some chanting for extra safety. Besides creepy dolls, other items at risk of changing include sandals, loincloths, and umbrellas. Remember, if it doesn't move, don't trust it! Keep that apartment of yours clean and empty.
Rule 3: Don't trust cats.
They may look cute, but our feline friends hold the potential for a terrifying transformation. If a cat gets old enough, it too will bakeru! A telltale sign that you are dealing with a fiendish feline is if you spot an extra tail on the sucker. Well really, if you weren't worried about extra tails before reading this, I quite frankly worry about your upbringing. Anyways, fork-tailed felines are known as 猫又 (neko-mata), which means, literally, "cat again". Another sign that you are dealing with a perverted puss is if it is walking around on two legs. Again, you don't really need to read this guide to know that such ambulation is odd, but now at least you know what they are called. A final sign is if the cat develops odd tastes, be they for your lamp oil (you have that, right?), dancing, or human flesh.
The best way to avoid these beasts, besides not raising them, is to be nice to your feline friends. Oh, and if that girl you just met is a tiger, she may literally be as well; these things shape change. But you don't meet girls because you stay in your apartment and follow rule 1, right? Which brings us to the next rule...
Rule 4: Don't trust people. Cause they're not people.
That guy living in the park was right; monsters walk among us. Besides cats, a variety of monsters in Japan are capable of transforming into humans. These include the friendly looking tanuki (raccoon dogs), the alluring kitsune (foxes with many tails--hmmm, I am noticing a theme), and some human-seeming women with odd abilities.
Rule to rule the other rules: Shut yourself off from the world.
So, as you have seen, we can't trust nature, pets, possessions, or people. They're all going to get you some day. You've also noticed that the best way to avoid all of these things is to sit alone in your apartment. Surely the best way to stay safe and secure is to stay at home like so many folks in Japan are doing these days. I recommend curling up with a computer and reading some blogs on Japan to pass the time. And right here at jibtv is not a bad place to start!
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