Fear the Beans!

By Kevin Cooney



What exactly is so frightening about beans I will never know. How an Oni (devil) would have much cause to fear them is even further beyond me.  But there you are, today is Setsubun, the ancient Japanese tradition of driving out the evil devils of misfortune with a handful of beans.  Across the nation on this day Japanese families are carrying out the age-old tradition in their home by casting about handful's of beans and crying "Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!" Out with devils! In with good luck!
 
I've read in books about Japanese culture that it is typically the male head of the household who is honored with the task of driving out the demons.  But my own informal surveys reveal that actually it tends to be the male head of most households (or family pet) that puts on a devil mask and gets pelted with beans by his wife and children to complete the ritual.  I have a feeling the writers of those books were themselves the male head of a household.  It is a cute, truly fun family event for all.  Well, unless your kid has a pro-league pitching arm.
 
For research purposes I had friend wing me with a few dried beans.  It stung a bit, but barely left a little red mark.  If you didn't know an Oni is entirely red, so this would seem to be somewhat self-defeating.  Perhaps if the bean were fired from some type of makeshift gun using rubber bands or firecrackers you could start to do some damage.  And even then you'd have to hit a particularly sensitive area.  Realistically you'd probably just end up pissing off the demon even more.  Just throwing them, really?  Apparently Japanese devils are huge wussies.
 
I mean, if a demonic creature from the beyond is frightened of being dinged with dried beans, how serious a threat could it really pose to the health and safety of your family.  I found the biggest danger to this whole Setsbun thing is slipping on a kitchen floor covered in dried beans.  Don't tell me I'm the only person still finding bean fragments clinging to my socks two months later.
 
I explained all of this with excitement and a sense of accomplishment to one of my Japanese friends.  Brimming with smug joy I had pointed out the silliness of his nation's ancient traditions.  Then the little Oni asked "So how is it then, exactly, that vampires are afraid of garlic?"
 
"What!  That is totally different.  I mean, somebody throws a bean at you, that's one thing, but a head of garlic has some heft!"
 
"So Vampires bruise easily then?"
 
"Well no... It... Well... Doh!"